January 2010

Dear Lori,

I’m the youngest of three.  My brother and sister live out of town.   My father died of cancer 10 years ago.  My Mom is 83 and is in a skilled nursing care facility after breaking her hip.  I can’t see her moving back on her own.  I have three kids, and work full time.  I don’t have an extra room in my home, so she can’t stay with me.   I visit Mom often and do everything that I can to make sure that she is comfortable, has the best medical care, and the best quality of life possible.

My problem is that, my sister tells me that I am horrible for leaving Mom in the home.  My sister is single, travels all of the time, and can’t take Mom in.  She tells all of our relatives how rotten I am for a breaking a promise to Mom that we’d never put her in a nursing home.   It’s getting to the point now, that I avoid talking to my sister and frankly, I don’t care to see her anymore.  Please help!

Dear Susan,

Ideally, providing care for an elderly parent would be a time of family unity and mutual support among siblings, however, for many families eldercare brings about painful conflict.   Although every family is unique, there are common underlying causes that can lead to friction between adult children.   Often old wounds and past rivalries come into play during this time, making compromises and care decisions especially challenging. 

It’s very hurtful to be accused of mistreating a parent, but try to take a step back.  Your sister isn’t really mad at you.  She is mad at the situation.  Her Dad died and she knows that her Mom will follow.  Her fixation on your keeping the family promise is a way of excusing herself.  She feels guilty, but hasn’t come around to admitting it.

No one needs to feel guilty.  Many of us, promised our parents to never put them “in one of those places”.  It was said out of love, but unfortunately, it’s just not that simple, and sometimes it is necessary to break a promise.

There are so many things to consider when making the decision to move a parent into a nursing home. It is often very helpful to seek out objective, professional, advice when making decisions.   The amount and type of care needed, the cost, etc. are all important considerations when making this decision.  There are some excellent resources in the St. Louis Jewish Community that can help families evaluate their options and process their decisions.   Jewish Family & Children’s Service at 993-1000 has several counselors on staff that specialize in assisting with elder care issues.  ElderLink St. Louis at (314) 812-9300 or www.elderlinkstlouis.org  is also a valuable resource.  A professional information and referral specialist will provide resources and advice that will point you in the right direction for obtaining the help that you need.

Good luck, and hang in there.

Lori