Dear JF&CS Therapy,

I have a preschool-aged son, and lately he has come home from preschool saying some things that I find alarming about race and difference. Once he told me that he did not like his (African-American) teacher “because her face is dark.” On another occasion, he tried to get me to laugh by pulling the corners of his eyes out and declaring himself Chinese.

He has made a few other comments that have made me uncomfortable. He attends a preschool with plenty of racial diversity in the student body, and I thought that by exposing him to a diverse, race-neutral environment, he would not have learned these racist ideas! I have no idea where these ideas are coming from, and I do not know what to do to stop this disturbing trend!

Signed,

Worried

Dear Worried,

It is important to be aware that the ages of 3 – 5 are that ages at which children will healthily and appropriately develop consciousness of race, gender, disability and other groupings. It is natural that your child is expressing curiosity about race at this age, and beginning to develop a conception of an “us” and a “them.” Children readily perceive all forms of diversity, and he is seeking to make sense of what he sees: not all children look exactly like him. It is, unfortunately, very typical of this age group to assign positive value to the “like-me” groups and negative value to the “not-like-me” groups. They also tend to repeat what they hear, and to test their parents’ reactions to new ideas and concepts.

The comments that you shared are upsetting for any parent to hear, but they do not mean that he has “become a racist.” Open, positive conversation with your child about race and racism is essential for him to develop healthy attitudes towards himself and others. It begins with you having conversations with him about his own race as well as about race in general: race exists, and raising your child in a “color-blind” way will not eliminate race from his environment.

It is important to have these conversations calmly, and to answer your child’s questions about race without becoming upset. Do not discourage comments and questions about race, in fact, use whatever opportunities you can to acknowledge that people come in many colors, shapes, and sizes, and to communicate a positive value about difference.

Make use of children’s books with protagonists of a variety of races. Attend cultural events of cultures other than your own. Perhaps you could encourage your preschool to talk more openly about race. Above all, do not despair: your child will eventually grow out of the “us-versus-them” phase, and be able to engage with all forms of difference maturely.